I have wanted to write our daily happenings every night for months now, but instead I hold them in my heart as I tuck you in bed, and try for the life of me to put them in a place in my mind where they won’t slip away. Your 2nd birthday is on Wednesday and this is the first time I am alone in our home, without you or Dada, in a very long time. I’m alone with your baby pictures, this growing belly with your baby sister squirming inside, and all the heaviness of my heart. Your 2nd birthday. I know you haven’t seen mama cry very much, and when I have, like the night before last when I wept trying to nurse you to sleep at 3am, you get very upset. So here I am, weeping quietly, in hopes that you won’t see me break down over you turning your second year. There have been so many changes in the past few months, many of which were not a part of our plan, and I think that maybe you turning two will give me some strength to let go of what I can’t control as your mother and give in to the fact that you are growing into a perfect little boy all his own.
But oh little love, I am so enamored with you. I miss you in a way that aches in my bones when I’m not with you. I try to think about what it’s like for Dada to be away from you all day, sometimes not seeing you for days except for in your sleep, and I can’t take it. I don’t know if it’s healthy and I don’t know if I care. All I know is that I love you more and more each day. Every week we have written a new chapter, you have grown a little more hair and said a couple new sounds or words. We are working so hard on your speech, and I think you are doing just wonderful. You have always been so expressive and it hasn’t slowed down, not for a second. When Mormor & Grandpa went to Denmark last month all you could do was point to the sky and sign “airplane”, and talk about where they were. And then YOU got to go on an airplane, back to Texas, and you were such a fantastic little traveler. I am so darn proud of you.
I want to come back and write more but I’m not sure I will. I always say I will and then I don’t. Classic me. I’d like to change that. Right now I’d like to get up off this couch and go search for some treasures for your special day. I think we will go to the beach on Wednesday, too. You are a wild, sparkling little thing when you are on the beach… and it makes me sparkle too. A little sea shine for us both is a wonderful thing.
Love, love, lovies,
Here I am in Texas again. The last time we were here Wry was 7.5 months old and it was hot. So hot. Our bags were packed and just like that, we left. But being back feels in every way like being home. So much happened to me here. The best and worst of things, but always in my soul the truest and finest things. It always came down to love. Sticky sweet love.
Driving these familiar roads with my son, who will be 2 in two weeks, and being so close to his birthplace brings tears to my eyes. I hope my daughter will come to know and love Texas too, since we all have roots here. I want so badly for my family to grow into the places that hold our history. Denmark was and is my other land, so Lord let Texas be that too. For both of my children. (Two babies, wow :-)
As Wry points out the window saying “Tekah” and my husband celebrates through the weekend with his childhood friends, I am left grateful and in love. I wish we lived here part time. I wish we had time to see everyone I love so much. I wish it was a short drive away. But distance will always make the heart grow fonder. And for now I will enjoy the perfect weather, the food truly meant for a pregnant lady, and the wonder of being in a land riddled with family and friends.